12 days since my last post, nothing much new.

It's less than a week to the start of my prelims, and I'm not doing much studying. It's pretty irritating but I guess I'll have to buck up soon. Starting with after lunch.

Singing backup vocals without playing piano for the first time, I think it's gonna be pretty fun hahaha hope my voice doesn't die on me!

Okay time to get whatever random stuff I want done on the computer quickly before lunch because after lunch it's lockdown time.

Argentine Tango on Sunday was really really fun, even though it was pretty darn awkward dancing with a roomful of girls and changing partner every few minutes. But haha after getting the steps I realize it wasn't that weird after all! Really really can't wait for lyrical jazz on Saturday night.

Dinner after that at the Bedok interchange coffeeshop, had the usual mutton soup, sugar cane juice, tang yuan combo haha then off to Udders with Fel/Roo/Mabel/Bryan/Victor! Their Baileys and Bourbon ice cream is really very very good (:

Home at like 11 plus, kind of late but completely worth it.

---

The horrible feeling's coming back. I'm starting to look behind my back at every turn, worried that somebody else is going to freak out and die off in my life once again. Thanks for reassuring me that just because someone doesn't reply my messages means they're irritated with me, Rebecca. I needed someone to tell me that. :\

And to be honest the worst part about this is that I don't know what I can do about it, because I fear that whatever I do it'll just come across the wrong way to whoever the other party is.

I get so tired and sick of this sometimes I just want to cast off all control and shout a big fat vulgarity at the world, but I don't know why I keep trying. The result, a splitting headache. Sigh how is this worth it?

God, I need You. But at the same time, Lord, would You please send some kind soul to just walk my walk with me? I need to know that somebody will be there no matter what I do to just tell me when I've done wrong and help me along. Won't You please send somebody?

---

Everything's swirling around in my head I don't know where it started and where it will end. And it's definitely affecting my studies, I can tell. Best. If it weren't A level year I really wouldn't be so worried. Sadly enough, it is.

And today I only completed one Economics essay. ): My life sucks. I can't study at home for nuts and nobody wants to go study with me outside. Seriously.

I just have to keep my hopes up that my planned study partner for Friday is free. She's so busy now with preparations for prelims and whatnot, I can't blame her at all. Oh well.

Resign~

Just got home from badminton! Today was such a weird day. I can't think of a better word, to be honest.

So I met Leroy at Pasir Ris library and we walked over to the badminton hall together. Turns out at first we were the only two youths there O_O Thank God Mabel, Bryan and jie turned up later on so it wasn't that boring. I think I played pretty well today (: Although I play quite little.

Slacking at Macs after was fun too. Mabel Ang is so funny when she plays bridge. Like she doesn't have a clue what's going on but somehow she always manages to win. Innate abilities eh?

School's resuming tomorrow after such a long break; I realize I haven't done much this 5 days and to be honest I'm quite worried. But that worry isn't translating into action.

I promised God I'll talk to Him later, and I will. I wanna try and be serious with this relationship~

Goodnight, blogosphere. It was nice talking to you again (: Here's a video to keep you company.



I'll sing to glorify Your holy name;

Nah I was wrong I'm still an insecure retard.

But I'll be working towards it.

CROSSTraining was today, wasn't too bad sitting around at the viewing gallery not doing anything but reading chemistry. But I realize that I'm a LOT more suited to throwing it down than sitting around watching people get thrown down. Looks like a life of camp group leading for me instead of camp committee~

I wish people cared. But everything they do seems to point in the opposite direction.

Gotta go for dinner now, I know it's a bit late! I shall work on this post later tonight. Goodbye!

Festival of Praise was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

I felt myself go through a complete overhaul those two days. From an insecure awkward guy to a person empowered through the grace of God.

The worship was just amazing, thank God for His blessing upon bands like New Life Worship. Really brought the roof down in praising Him.

And John Bevere -- what a talented speaker! It's hard to imagine that he was this lousy-with-English-and-couldn't-write-to-save-his-life kid when he was younger. I really drew a lot of lessons from his sermon, the most important one being that grace is the empowerment of God, not just His salvation. And we can draw on this grace only by having faith.

It's really cool how he can think of so many ways to package just one message. And I'm so glad I took notes because there is no way I could've remembered by just listening~ (:

I make a covenant with Him today -- I will not go back to my old ways.

---

Leading worship was a pretty darn cool experience. I mean it was weird at the same time because I didn't expect to get thrust into all 4 songs directly but Isaac had a bad throat so just tank la! God was with me anyway (:

I think I started off okay but as my voice got tired/throat became dry everything became a little pitchy cause I couldn't really hit the high notes anymore, but oh well.

I didn't feel that awkward with a piano in front of my at all! I mean, my attention was split like, four-way between the scores, the keys, the congregation and God, but I think I managed to pull through? I always thought I couldn't play and sing at the same time. I revise that statement to I can't play complicated melodies and sing at the same time (:

But thank you EVERYBODY for the encouragement! Audrey, Rachel, Isaac, Ken, Graham, Sheldon (lol decent), Sam, Becky, Jeslyn, Kyle, Liang Jie, Enoch and Jessica. Made my day, it did (:

Sigh that familiar, yet contemptible feeling is back. That feeling of paranoia, of fear, of anxiety, that everybody around me sees me for the piece of crap I really am. I absolutely loathe this feeling.

I look around me, and all I see are judging stares. Not the approval of friends, not the caring eyes of loved ones. Just judgement, dislike and disappointment.

I so badly want this feeling to disappear. But no matter how hard I pray, how much I try to think about other things, these doubts always come back to haunt me. The failures of my past, the relationships that have fallen by the wayside, broken and hurting. And they're a part of who I am, I can't just take them by the collar and throw them out. I wish I could, but I can't.

It seems like I have a really bad habit of destroying friendships just when they're about to mature. It's somewhat a recurring theme in this tragedy that's my life. Every time something seems to be going well, I just have to get that sense of paranoia and become all clingy and shit. But idk how to change it's happened so many times I'm sick and tired of it but I'M TRAPPED and I don't know what to do! I need somebody's help...

I know God's able to help me with everything, but I can't seem to hear Him, even though I know He hears me.

My love languages are quality time, and encouragement. I hardly ever get any of those... All the lonely meals I've had, all the times spent on my own, they strangle me.

I really want to try the invisibility test one day. Just disappear from the face of the earth for a couple of days and see who notices. I have a bad feeling nobody will. And that just makes me so f@#$ing sad.

Really, who cares, in this world?

---

Jie, if you're reading this, chances are it's cause I told you to. I hope it kind of explains how I'm feeling, and I really hope you'll talk to me after this. I know it was dumb and insane of me to suddenly get angry with you the other night but I'm in a shitload of trouble and all the emo messages the other day was merely the tip of the iceberg.

---

http://youtu.be/pImjE6bpFsI

Is anybody listening,
Can you hear me when I call,
I'm shooting signals in the air,
cause I need somebody's help.
I can't make it on my own,
so I'm giving up myself;
Is anybody listening, listening...

Okay something highly irritating happened in school, ergo I am posting this emergency blogpost.

So I went to chemistry class today having done my Group II tutorial and then I realize that I'm supposed to do the chemistry practical. So when the teacher asks why I didn't do my tutorial I raised my hand. Naturally he asked me why I didn't do it so I said that I didn't know. He asks me what I planned to do seeing as I didn't do my homework and I said 'if you send me out then I'll miss the whole class which defeats the whole purpose' and he just becomes a major doucherated bag and says that's just a convenient excuse. -.- then he storms out of class leaving the whole thing uncompleted.

Sigh it was so freaking irritating I tore up my planning tutorial zzz.

Okay that's it I'm done.