Sigh that familiar, yet contemptible feeling is back. That feeling of paranoia, of fear, of anxiety, that everybody around me sees me for the piece of crap I really am. I absolutely loathe this feeling.

I look around me, and all I see are judging stares. Not the approval of friends, not the caring eyes of loved ones. Just judgement, dislike and disappointment.

I so badly want this feeling to disappear. But no matter how hard I pray, how much I try to think about other things, these doubts always come back to haunt me. The failures of my past, the relationships that have fallen by the wayside, broken and hurting. And they're a part of who I am, I can't just take them by the collar and throw them out. I wish I could, but I can't.

It seems like I have a really bad habit of destroying friendships just when they're about to mature. It's somewhat a recurring theme in this tragedy that's my life. Every time something seems to be going well, I just have to get that sense of paranoia and become all clingy and shit. But idk how to change it's happened so many times I'm sick and tired of it but I'M TRAPPED and I don't know what to do! I need somebody's help...

I know God's able to help me with everything, but I can't seem to hear Him, even though I know He hears me.

My love languages are quality time, and encouragement. I hardly ever get any of those... All the lonely meals I've had, all the times spent on my own, they strangle me.

I really want to try the invisibility test one day. Just disappear from the face of the earth for a couple of days and see who notices. I have a bad feeling nobody will. And that just makes me so f@#$ing sad.

Really, who cares, in this world?

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Jie, if you're reading this, chances are it's cause I told you to. I hope it kind of explains how I'm feeling, and I really hope you'll talk to me after this. I know it was dumb and insane of me to suddenly get angry with you the other night but I'm in a shitload of trouble and all the emo messages the other day was merely the tip of the iceberg.

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http://youtu.be/pImjE6bpFsI

Is anybody listening,
Can you hear me when I call,
I'm shooting signals in the air,
cause I need somebody's help.
I can't make it on my own,
so I'm giving up myself;
Is anybody listening, listening...

Okay something highly irritating happened in school, ergo I am posting this emergency blogpost.

So I went to chemistry class today having done my Group II tutorial and then I realize that I'm supposed to do the chemistry practical. So when the teacher asks why I didn't do my tutorial I raised my hand. Naturally he asked me why I didn't do it so I said that I didn't know. He asks me what I planned to do seeing as I didn't do my homework and I said 'if you send me out then I'll miss the whole class which defeats the whole purpose' and he just becomes a major doucherated bag and says that's just a convenient excuse. -.- then he storms out of class leaving the whole thing uncompleted.

Sigh it was so freaking irritating I tore up my planning tutorial zzz.

Okay that's it I'm done.

I came across one of the saddest sights in my life today. It really made my heart just plummet.

So I was walking home after dinner with Mabel, Dinah, LZ and Hayden, going across the overhead bridge that connects Tampines to Pasir Ris. I was walking up the slope when I walked past this elderly man limping slowly.

At first I didn't have that much of a thought for him, but for some reason I stopped walking and turned around. And that's like the moment when you're torn in between wanting to help someone and holding back for fear of insulting that person's capabilities.

In the end, asking WWJD really helped, so I went back down the slope and asked him if he was okay. He said he was fine, just a bit short of breath, which was normal. So I wished him well and walked away. But that unsettled feeling still lingered, and I continued to watch him amble slowly. When he got to the overhead bridge he stopped again to catch his breath. And I realized that I should get down there and see if I could do anything.

But when I got there he said he was alright. Looked a bit shocked to see me again, but told me that his breathlessness was a very normal condition and he was just on his way home. Then he thanked me.

So, that was all I could do I guess? Just continued to watch him walk up the overheard bridge's ramp and praying that he'd be alright.

That short happening made me realize some stuff -- I will never ever leave my parents to fend for themselves. Seriously, at 11pm, there's this one elderly guy walking home, limping home, with a walking stick in his hand, and not a single relative in sight? For shame, indeed.

I felt so sorry for him, and I just told myself, I won't let my parents suffer the same fate.

Keep that guy in your prayers guys. Pray for the elderly, for those who've sacrificed so much to teach us their ways, only for our ways to cloud our memories of them and cast them onto the wayside.

And today was the day of reckoning.

I feel really lousy and crappy now cause of what I've done. And every part of me just wants to go back and erase myself. I mean, I knew that there was always the chance I would get found out but sigh, I didn't expect to feel so bad about it.

I guess it's a good thing? Shows that there's still some human in me even though there's so much sin and devilish crap. Or maybe humanity is the sin and devilish crap and that conscience and bad feeling is God speaking through the fog. I don't know, but I sure hope it is.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm being self-centered and only focusing on myself. I really hope nothing bad comes out of this. Sigh God forgive my folly and give me the strength to face the consequences. I don't wanna fall down and stay down, so help me up please.

Update soon bye.

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I have no friends. All the ones I thought were friends were paper dolls blown away by the wind, dissolved by the rain, burnt by all the fire in my life.

Yay first time blogging off my iPhone!

Nothing happening for Civics class so we're basically just slacking, sigh. Oh well makes for a good time to blog haha. There's Silat stiff going on later in the afternoon and I forgot to bring my PE sigh. And since buying a whole new set is quite a waste of money I guess I'll take the long ride home to get them haha.

Four more tutorials all in a row after this! Yet I'm already so tired and it's not even 9 haha what to do.

G'day folks (: