So it was supposed to be a nice outing with my family for dinner. Until I brought up the topic of graduation night.
See, the committee has free hotel rooms as a sort of "thank you for planning this event". And so I told my mother that I wouldn't be coming home on Tuesday as I'd be staying over in Waterfront Copthorne for the night. And she suddenly has this averse reaction; her face totally changes expression and she asks me incredulously, "Why?"
And I tell her, I explain to her. And she just goes NO without giving me an explanation. So I continue to pry, because I really want to know what's wrong with staying over in a hotel room. Turns out she's worried for my chastity, and about how my schoolmates might possibly be gay and want to rape me. Not to mention all her worries about drugs and drinks. So yes, of course I piss off. How could she just randomly accuse and pin her suspicions on my schoolmates, whom she has never ever met, but I have met for at least two years already?
I continue to question her. And she just gives me these replies without actually saying anything. And when she continues to insinuate that nowadays "not only girls have problems, even guys might be up to bad things" I just lose it and jump on the spot. Because I absolutely do not get her worries.
She just gets even angrier and the whole freaking night is spoiled. What is wrong with her and her paranoid attitude? It's as though every person in the world is almost probably an evil person and she's the only one she trusts. But that doesn't work; that will never work. I just continue to get more frustrated because I totally do not understand her.
And then I'm boiling over on the inside and shooting my mouth off with what I think are logical rebuttals to her illogical statements; my dad comes up to me and raises his voice telling me to "Shut my fucking trap." Thanks for the great example yeah, dad? To think that this morning mom could tell me to keep quiet, lest my little brother learns from me and picks up vulgarities. Don't be a hypocrite, please. You always tell me not to be a hypocrite yet I have a living breathing pair of genuine examples in front of me. Swearing at me and telling me not to use vulgarities. It's as bad as saying, "You had better fucking not use the f-word." Does that make an OUNCE of sense to you?
And later on over dinner I try to smoothen things out and possibly solve the problem. And my mom keeps on trying to say that she knows exactly how I feel. How in the world would you EVER know how I feel when I don't share anything at all with you? And why don't I share anything at all with you? You told me to ask myself, I did, and now I have the answer. It's because I don't feel comfortable enough telling you my problems, because somehow you manage to twist it into being my fault, when all I'm looking for is some emotional support from my family members. Useless, you.
And you keep on comparing my actions to the church. When I lose my temper in front of you at the playground, you call me a lousy Christian. Yes, I'm a lousy Christian. I'm a hypocrite, maybe. But most definitely, so are you. Don't you dare tell me to do things that you yourself don't do, okay. Why should it be the church's fault I lose my temper all the time; that I never seem to correct my mistakes? Who has more influence on my life? I see church people twice a week. I see schoolmates five days a week. I see you EVERYDAY of my life. And so, do you see where my logic is taking this argument?
Not to mention your obvious anti-Christian attitudes. You keep on saying that Christians who sin and go to church without repenting are hypocrites. Look at it this way; anger is a sin and people ALWAYS get angry, no matter how much they go to church. So are ALL Christians hypocrites who don't deserve God's grace and the Abundant Life? UNTRUE. Jesus came down to save ALL of us, as long as we ask for it. So yes, call us hypocrites, but don't ever say we shouldn't go to church. I pity the persons who agree with your reasoning. Because if that were true then Christianity would not exist; nobody would be a Christian.
Suddenly, you start bringing up things that happened long ago, since Sec 1, about my mere pass for piano. And they have absolutely no link to the current scenario, that is, graduation night! I am honestly a logical person, although an emotional one, and I really cannot stand it when people continually be irrational and don't make sense. My goodness.
I think you're insecure too, you know. Maybe I am, very much so. But so are you; you take any bit of criticism and just turn it into something humongous. I say "There are bigger influences on my life than church, so you cannot blame who I am on the church alone." And it gets interpreted as "YOU GUYS SUCK AT BEING PARENTS SO JUST GET LOST." No surprise that I'm getting more and more distanced from you, then.
And after awhile you just decide to run away from the problem and not talk to me at all. And no matter how hard I try to find out more you don't WANT to talk to me and help me try and figure it out. That's such a big help, thank you very much mom and dad. How am I going to fix this and make things better, even with God's help, when you won't listen to anything I say at all?
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Lord, help me understand please. I don't know what else to say; what else to do. But I know to solve this I have to understand how they feel. Help my over-rational mindset understand the hurt and pain a parent feels, even though I will never relate to it anytime soon.
Also, Father, grant me Your Grace, so that I will be able to heal old wounds and repair past damages. Help me in this undertaking. Be present in my parents' lives, and open their hearts and minds so that they will listen to what I have to say and not brush me aside like I'm worth nothing. I don't want my life to continue like this, pothole-ridden and uninspiring. Lord, You've helped me before, and I know You're always there, and I only have to ask for Your help.
So thank you Father, I praise You, always and forever.
Amen.
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You know I'm missing you already? Just after I argued with my parents earlier, I thought of the person who'd always be there for me, to listen and to advise, and I realized that you'd flown off. And it hit me, and I just started tearing.
Okay, kinda emotional, but it's true.
(:
