Hehe I'm brain dead so I won't be able to come up with a post so I steal this from Jech.

OMG man VS Megantron.

Awesomeawesomeawesome orientation laaa. The humour in STORY_ is just too funny to explain. Or rather can't even explain. Have to watch yourself then you understand. Bloody mocking confucious hehe.

The batch dance is so cool too! Gosh, it's still rather hard though. *dong*

Andd, MT WON. That's right. MT. ^^ Let's hope OMG man is not Only Marginally Gone D;. He is SO funny.

HAHA. Orientation today was pretty cool. Batch dance is epic(ally hard). Oh well at least my groups pretty cool. Maybe a bit slow to warm up but at least it's not awkward/scary/whatever.

Tired much, weekend's going to be a blast.

I don't know.
It feels like the same things happening between the two of us.
Exactly the same thing.
And I know I care; maybe too much, I'm not sure.
But I don't know how to put it into words, although I'm scared if I wait any longer it'll be too far gone.
Indecision; split ends; crossroads. Which path do I take?



Daughtry's so good.

---

Oh well. Going out tomorrow (:

HELLO YOU KIMBERLY PANG LI TING. I'm sorry this is so late! Tbh, I kinda forgot. But I remembered in the end and that's all that matters, right? :D

Hehe. So yes I hope you've been enjoying your Sec 3 year in school. I just realised you're going to be even more busy than you were the past two years and we both know how busy you are already. :O Darn, no time for anymore movie outings. We haven't had one since what, two years ago!

Oh wells; I hope you've had a great day already! You're becoming old, JUST LIKE ME. :D Hahahhahahahaha. *Sinister laugh* But yes continue to be that lovely person I can just talk to anytime I want (except when you're overloaded to the max with homework nah just kidding) and that wonderful friend to people around you.

And of course, continue to grow in the Lord and serving Him faithfully whatever you do. I know you'll have a wonderful year ahead. <3!

Cheers. :D

---

Darn I think I pulled/semitore my calf muscle during training today; I can't contract it without it hurting D: Haiyo. Oh wells. I will train harder; I seriously have no motivation cause I don't have anything to aim for. Heh.

SNaPP talk today was... kinda lame? Telling us most things that we already knew and some that we didn't. But I think the booklet they gave us was pretty nice hehe. Ahhhh well.

I think Law Abiding Citizen is a sad story. Really. Tragedy-esque. Like I kind of pity the guy Gerard Butler acts as; because it really isn't his fault that his family was murdered and the guy got away nearly scot free. It's kind of horrible. Yet there's this kind of morbid fascination within me at how he manages to pull off all those crimes ON HIS OWN; WHILE IN PRISON. And also there's this portion of me feeling really sorry for Jamie Foxx's character, even though he was only trying to do the best he could in his job.

Justice sucks. But sometimes it's the thing that's most important to everyone.

Since the trailer's so awesome I'll repost it nao!



Mmmhmmmmm yeah.

I'm ALWAYS furtive? I'm NEVER forthright? Stop freaking lying to me, fool.

So in the end my parents are pissed with me because I left a note on the kitchen table late yesterday night saying "Hi mom, I don't need to wake up so early tomorrow." And I really didn't have to wake up so early today because I don't even have school! But oh wow, they're angry because I wasn't "forthright" and didn't say that "I don't have school." BIG DEAL.

My objective was accomplished; I got the message across that you didn't have to wake me up so early. But noooooo you HAVE to know that I don't have school. Like seriously what difference does it make, and why the hell must you get so pissed off over such a small issue.

Because I'm ALWAYS furtive. Sorry la, I'm so useless, everything my fault cause I never do things forthright. Bullshit. What to I do every weekend? Everyday I have training? TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT.

Too bad you don't have a better son than me; I'm so useless to you right?

Get lost la; idiots.

You know the thing I don't get is why my friends don't think I'm useless when you guys do. Because apparently the only things you guys bother to do to me is put me down and scold me. Have you ever heard of edification? So yes, now do you kind of understand why I'm closer to my friends than to you; why this relationship is so screwed up?

Seriously. If you're going to be like that then DON'T BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG. Because if my ego is destroyed it's only because of you.

---

WHAT THE HELLLLLLL I'm like freaking boiling inside already. Zzz. God; calm me down please. I don't want this to escalate. Thank you.

HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT. I'M STILL SHIVERING. WOAH.

---

Today was so crazy. >< Gloria Patri. Doxology. Testimonial. SG. Playing for band. MADNESS. Haha but I think I can get used to this (: Oh well. More practice I guess?

And SGL meeting was pretty cool. But it looks like it's going to be a heavy responsibility and I just hope I can keep up with expectations.

But God will always be there to help me along the way (: So yes it'll be fine.

---

Sticky notes and push pins tomorrow! What would you have thought if you saw that as a lecture name. Guess what, it's a sex talk. Random much, right? Haha.

Oh well school's in three days. RAWR. I'm gonna take you head on, bro.

Only one more week remaining before school starts! Like REAL orientation. I guess there's mixed feelings? On one hand I'm happy the holidays are over and that I won't be wasting so much time anymore. On the other hand... I won't have nearly as much free time as I do right now.

I really have to learn how to prioritize, I guess. It's going to be hellish if I don't get my aims straightened out and continue to slack like how I've been doing most of the time. But I really hope that I can do well this year; there's so many things I'm looking forward to in RJC.

But yeah. A week's time will tell. Today was fun, anyway. LAN-ed with Delane Yong Jie and Marcus. L4D2 Versus is lame when you don't have 8 people, because random people will just come into the game, accidentally jump out the window, killing themselves, and THEN accusing the team of being noob. It's so irritating when that happens. Haha.

Oh wells. Tomorrow's going to be a long day; school, training, LG. :D Going downstairs in a bit to try and burn those fatszxczcxz.

FREAKING COOL OMG. MUST WATCH.

---

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6:13-17

School oh school oh school is boring. :D But at least I've managed to finally plan some funstuffz for Wednesday and Thursday, YES. Tomorrow there's a Innovation talk, an Economics talk, a Mathematics bridging lesson and "How to Succeed and Do Well in Biology". Hmm not the most entertaining of days but I've survived worse. (:

Track soccer track soccer track soccer TRACK. I can play soccer whenever I want but it'll be just a bit weird if I pop by the stadium put on my spikes and run on my own. There's a whole different atmosphere and it just doesn't fit.

I personally think Epic1 is epically cool. Pun seriously not intended. Go check out his Youtube channel! I'm so going to learn Websters and Cheat Gainers. Take that yo!

Can't wait for orientation to start, really. (:

Yay omg this is so cool. So yes this morning I was pretty freaked that my mom would lose her cool about me coming back late from Jon's party yesterday. So I prayed while I was showering and when I came out my mom was calm! And she just talked to me in an even tone and said how I must work hard these two years. Gosh, thank You so much, God! (:

And thank You for making my first time playing in the worship band such a smooth and memorable one. Thank You for reminding me the purpose behind playing and worshiping at all. And thank You for blessing me with my abilities. :D

Back to school tomorrow, gosh. I can't wait for the days which I don't have school HEH.

JON'S PARTY WAS A BLAST. Really. There were like, 32 people there? (Epic big, if you want an abstract term.) And yeah we had fun just chilling out, eating dinner, spamming Band Hero. Thanks for having us over Jon.

A birthday post is in order! HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU 16 YEAR OLD GUY. Okay I know this is still like three days early but I was on topic so yes. :D You've been this really funny guy in my life ever since I got to know you... now, how did I get to know you? O_O Gosh I don't remember. But what I do remember is that you're an awesomely nice guy and you love God so much. Continue serving Him with all your heart and worshiping him in One Voice! I'm really looking forward to your next few years. (: I'm sure they'll be blessed bountifully by our AWESOME GOD. So yesh, cheers, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY once more. Have a good year ahead yo.



---

For all my friends, thank you. (:

God, help them make the right choices, whatever they may do.

Seriously. Ask me to help my brother troubleshoot his Chinese homework. And I look through his paper and change maybe what, 6 errors. And so he goes back to my mom and my mom tells me to go in. I realize I didn't spot 2 errors so yeah; I tell him to change them again. And my mom scolds me saying I'm like useless and no wonder my Higher Chinese grade is so crappy.

If you're so smart why don't you do it yourself. And if you want people to help you then you don't freaking scold them for making two small careless mistakes. And you don't call them arrogant AFTER they've acknowledged the mistakes and corrected them.

And you say my attitude is shitty. Go get a life, or just stop having this shit attitude. Either would work. Zzz. Think you so good then you do it, please and thank you.

---

Seriously. Heh. I feel for you, I do.

Christian fellowship at LT4 at 7.15am? Okayyyyyyyyy; my sleep! D:

Oh well. YAY someone I know's going to RJC too. Yeah so I spent nearly the whole day at RJC at the Open House. It wasn't a big deal but I guess I didn't have much to see over there.

PEOPLE WHO CAN GO TO RJC. I suggest you guys go. Because it'll be an experience that you'll never forget; I'm pretty sure it will change your life. (: So yes Wen Ya, Cheryl, come on! You know you want to. (:

And congratulations to everyone who got good results for O levels. I realised I wasn't taking my own advice (thanks Anisha) and yeah. I'm KINDA over the bad result already. Still not fully over it, but you get the idea. And to those who didn't do that well. I'll just repeat myself again. It's God's will; and He has something in store for you that you won't understand if you're blinded by a veil of disappointment. So open up your hearts, and see that His grace will never leave your side.

Ohwells eyebags and lack of sleep, here I come.

Why does everyone want to marry a doctor and migrate?

Oh well.

I got a freaking C5 for HCL O levels.



Damn genius right.

I've been praying and praying that God would do something to salvage my relationship with my parents. I was completely hoping that He'd help me with my HCL Os and get a grade that my parents would actually look at and say, "Good job son. Good job." And I realise how much I actually yearn for that. I haven't heard it before.

And out comes a C5. My mom already started nagging at me about how "if I had listened to her before the exam I'd have done better". She makes it sound as though I didn't care about it. She'll never understand that I did. She'll never understand that I was so hopeful, so nervous, so nerve-wracked that I started crying before I'd even gotten the results slip. And I don't understand how people who get C5 or C6 can just say never mind, it's no big deal. It is a big deal. A very big one.

And I feel so lost, because if anything that stupid C5 has made my mom scarier than before. Not angrier, mind. Scarier. Because now she's giving me the silent treatment, and I would so much more prefer that she shout at me. She doesn't know that I want to talk to her so much, but I can't. And what just happened just showed why. She just came out and shouted at me not to tell her that "it isn't helping". And I try and tell her that I cried before even getting the results and she laughed at me. She laughed at me. Saying how I didn't put in enough effort. And saying how I've been torturing her all this time. And how she's cared too much and I don't see it. About how I haven't told the people I've been talking to how much I've made her angry in the past to cause her to react this way.

How is screaming at me, saying that you should have done this/done that supposed to change things. IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING. That stupid grade will remain that stupid grade.

And then the people I can talk to, my friends from church ask me how's it going. Sheldon calls me. So I try to talk to him because I obviously can't talk to my mom and I need to talk to someone. And I'm halfway talking and my mom comes into the kitchen and starts screaming at me for talking to someone from church. And she's so scary she's just completely losing it. And saying that she's dead to me. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IF I CAN'T TALK TO ANYBODY WHEN I'M SO TRAUMATISED.

And she's screaming and I JUST LOSE IT. So I say to her it's not helping. And she starts hitting me. And I block one of her hits and she starts crying cause I injured her arm. And that makes me feel so bad. And I'm screaming at her that SHE JUST DOESN'T BLOODY CARE.

She doesn't give a damn how I feel. She doesn't know what was going on in my mind before the results, during the results, after the results. She doesn't know what I've been trying to do; she doesn't know how much I want her to be proud of me. And I don't know how to let her know.

And I feel like there's this void within me that'll never be repaired. And it feels so draining. I read in this newspaper article about how to raise a teen criminal: Do not care about the child's life. Do not communicate with him. Regularly abuse him physically and emotionally. I realise my mom fulfills all 3. And I guess I should be thanking God that I'm not some screwed up kid. Although heck, I sure do feel like one. My mind is like this complete blank. I can't remember parts of our argument. So the above story isn't the full one.

God, where are you? I need a sign. I know that it'll be alright but it's not enough. It's not.




I just got that sign. I don't know how this application does it. But for some reason it always works. God wants You to Know on Facebook:

On this day of your life, David, we believe God wants you to know ... that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty.

Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!

Whee first LG session later today! And cycling before that with LG people. Lol. Finally I have something to do after the past 4 days of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Oh and I got started on my New Year's resolution! :D Vacuumed the whole house yesterday and organised all my worksheets (: They're in this huge stack right now until my mom clears out the cupboard and I can file them properly.

Oh and played two DotA games this morning 3v2. Haha won both convincingly. Beyond Godlike yo! Phantom Assassin and Dwarven Sniper are hack (:

Can't wait for later, haha. I haven't eaten lunch; you know I totally skipped lunch yesterday, just cause my dad wasn't home and I was lazy to go across the road and buy something. But I didn't feel very hungry anyway so no big deal. :D

Talking about hunger, I'm feeling hungry right now! So I'll post again later when I get back home. Haha impetuous Cheng Yi.

---

Everyone seems to be enjoying school so much, so yes I'm actually looking forward to returning to school. Whee.

Thank You for everything You've done, God. Including forgiving me even though I keep on straying. Continue to be my light in the darkness. Amen!

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA EPIC FAIL.

I must totally watch these movies.



Invictus

"I'm the master of my fate. I'm the captain of my soul."



Did You Hear About The Morgans?

HAHA IT'S DAMN FUNNY.



Legion



It's Complicated



The Blind Side

I am so touched. Really.

Galatians 2 (New International Version)

Paul Accepted by the Apostles

1Fourteen years later I went up again to Jerusalem, this time with Barnabas. I took Titus along also. 2I went in response to a revelation and set before them the gospel that I preach among the Gentiles. But I did this privately to those who seemed to be leaders, for fear that I was running or had run my race in vain. 3Yet not even Titus, who was with me, was compelled to be circumcised, even though he was a Greek. 4This matter arose because some false brothers had infiltrated our ranks to spy on the freedom we have in Christ Jesus and to make us slaves. 5We did not give in to them for a moment, so that the truth of the gospel might remain with you.
6As for those who seemed to be important—whatever they were makes no difference to me; God does not judge by external appearance—those men added nothing to my message. 7On the contrary, they saw that I had been entrusted with the task of preaching the gospel to the Gentiles, just as Peter had been to the Jews. 8For God, who was at work in the ministry of Peter as an apostle to the Jews, was also at work in my ministry as an apostle to the Gentiles. 9James, Peter and John, those reputed to be pillars, gave me and Barnabas the right hand of fellowship when they recognized the grace given to me. They agreed that we should go to the Gentiles, and they to the Jews. 10All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do.

Paul Opposes Peter

11When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. 12Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. 13The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.
14When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, "You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?

15"We who are Jews by birth and not 'Gentile sinners' 16know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified.

17"If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not! 18If I rebuild what I destroyed, I prove that I am a lawbreaker. 19For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. 20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

You might not have gotten most of that, cause it's one whole book, but if you're interested, come talk to me about it! (:

---

In relation to that...



THE GOOD-O-METER.

I think this video really summarizes up the idea of 'grace' in our lives. And I totally agree with the guy who says "That's why it's called grace".

You see, even the guy who had nearly a perfect life, yet had one single blemish in his file didn't get into heaven. Because in the end, he was still a sinner, and that's what matters to God.

And the last guy, even though he had the thickest file chock full of sins and wrongdoings, got through to heaven. Why? Because his sin was taken up by Jesus when He died on the Cross. Of course the other people would have though it wasn't fair. He certainly sinned so much more than them, possibly all of them combined. But he had the love of Jesus, and that's what matters to God.

Not to say that since there's no difference between one sin and a thousand sins to God. There is, but not on the surface level. Because if I've sinned a thousand times, and SAY I have repented, yet do not really repent, then I have not truly come to Jesus from the bottom of my heart. And God knows when you decide to break away from Him to sin again, even though you might have said you've repented.

And away with the mentality that "Oh I've done bad things so I'll do good things to break even". God really doesn't care about that either. It doesn't work that way; we're all still sinners.

I think I really identify with the guy who had this huge file. My life has been mostly in a mess, even up to most recently. And nothing has changed, there are still huge warzones within my existence. I've sinned so many times I've lost count. But Jesus is always there for me, and it's God that gives us hope for something better to come, and I claim upon that hope. (:

---

I really should start being more on task. New new year's resolution: Help out more at home. Be more productive. Start doing things that matter. Yay. And definitely, become closer to God. Definitely. Starting with following avidly the Bible reading program. Yeah.

Imagine the things I could accomplish in the 12+ hours I'm awake all the time. I keep on thinking it's super boring, that there's nothing to be done. But my dad did put things into perspective. Instead of spending all the time on the computer, why not read up on JC stuff? I have a whole chem book. Why not practice your piano playing for bands? I have plenty of chord sheets. Why not help out in the household? I have tons of time. And yes I definitely want to be more useful, the main barrier to me doing that being laziness.

So God, convict me to do things that I wouldn't normally want to do. Give me the strength and wash away that mindset that someone else would do it for me and I'm a king. Because I'm not. Thank you Lord.

---

Cheer up, all you sad people out there! It's not good to be sad, or worried. ESPECIALLY YOU O LEVEL RESULTS PEOPLE. I know you guys have worked your hardest, have sweat blood over the papers, and now's just not the time to be worried to death about your results! If you've tried your best then what's there to be worried about? It's out of our hands. (: I say our cause I still have higher chinese to receive. So chillax, people. It'll be fine. -HUGS-

And to everyone who has cared, thanks for all the concern you've been giving me. I told someone yesterday that she treasures friendships a lot. And I guess I could see this because I treasure friendships a lot on my part too. You guys rock -heart-

---

To top that long post off.. Some REALLY overdue photos!

The carolers, 2009!

After Candlelight Service.

Caroling at Ngee Ann City!

Sec 4s yo. (:

THAT KENNETH IS DAMN CUTE. Haha I don't see why you think he's irritating Becca.

Russell's house!

Third house we sang at.

First house!

And second house.

Yeap those were the caroling photos. :D

And now for camp! 13th Crossing <3

CHEERLEADER YO.

Random shot, oh well. Last day of camp! What to expect... Haha.

Sec 4s! Love our batch.

And the guys. Look at Kyle's face, gosh.

JUDE FOR THE WIN. -HEARTSTOTALLY-

Yeah that's it. I don't know what happened to A LOT of the camp photos. With Daniel Ng I think. SO ALL OUR GROUP SHOTS AREN'T HERE. Maybe one day I'll get them.

---

Signing off, ciao.

Two pro videos for you today. First one thanks to Amanda Teo!



Paparazzi by Lady Gaga, Cover by White Tie Affair

And this second one is just too cool.



Lord Give Me A Sign by DMX

Heh. Just wanted to thank everyone who noticed that I was missing this morning. It means quite a lot to me. (: Steph, Mindy, Audrey, Amanda, Shakila, Edward, Kyle, Marcus, Sheldon, Charlotte, and well a lot more people. Thanks.

It won't be easy la. But I just pray it'll slowly get better. And with God by my side it surely will. (:

You know, I wanted my 500th post to be at least a normal one, if not a happy one. But apparently God doesn't want that to be.

I woke up this morning looking forward to a wonderful day and in the space of an hour that dream just went completely bust.

So I'd gotten ready for church and I wanted to ask my mom for money, but she was brushing her teeth. Not wanting to waste time, I went to wear my shoes and picked up the keys and started opening the door. I was hunched over the door and was trying to open the door cause the key wasn't exactly smooth. And my mom comes out of the bedroom and stares at me, asking me why I'm acting so suspicious after awhile. So I tell her that it's because the key was kind of jammed, so I couldn't really open the door normally. And then she asks me why I didn't ask her for money, so I told her that I was waiting for her to come out of the bedroom before asking. Incidentally I was already wearing my shoes and trying to open the door, so she just jumped to the conclusion that I had taken money from her purse and was going out already. Basically accusing me of stealing from her. Which I obviously didn't. And I continue trying to explain to her that I wore my shoes and was opening the door then waiting for her to come out; if she didn't come out then I'd go find her. But that stubborn fool just keeps pressing on her false conclusion without listening to any other explanations.

And that's the whole fucking problem with her. She's so stubborn she won't listen to anybody, not even her son. No matter what the SHIT I say, nothing gets through to her. And so it's freaking hopeless. FREAKING HOPELESS OKAY. I wonder why some people say we live for hope when there isn't any. I don't see any.

Of course the argument just gets worse. She continues accusing me of that and I have to raise my voice to get through to her. And she takes that as a sign of disrespect, so she gets even more angry. And suddenly she's telling me to close the door. Okay fine, don't want to let other people hear our argument, so I close the door. And then she comes to me and locks it and says I can't go anywhere today. WHAT THE FUCK.

So I lose it then. Seriously. Grab the keys from her and try and open the door and she just tries to pull my hand away. The key bends. I go try to make the key back to normal. The key breaks. And she just kneels down and starts crying while I try and find a solution, because I want to go to church right? And so I ask her to call a locksmith, she just becomes worse because she feels the only motivation I have for that is going to church. BULLSHIT. OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE TO GET THE DOOR OPEN RIGHT. So I go find pliers and remove the key shard from the lock.

You'd expect her to let me go out after resolving the problem right? But noooooooo she just thinks it's my fault the key's stuck in the lock. And she's going ON and ON about how I always claim I'm in the right when I've done nothing of the sort. I know I'm in the wrong for raising my voice but that's the only solution I see at the time.

Shit la. Seriously shit. I cannot stand them. When my dad comes back all he does is keep quiet. He doesn't even TRY and solve the problem, because "your mother is in charge of the house". So he just sits there like a useless mute and does nothing to try and make the situation better. And my mom keeps on saying that I'm dumb, I'm hopeless, but the funny thing is that SHE NEVER DOES ANYTHING TO TRY AND CHANGE THAT. Isn't it her responsibility, though?

I'm fucking tired of this crap put in front of me almost every other day. Honestly. And the crap that my mom goes on about how I'm a hypocrite and I don't deserve to go to church. Last I heard, there's no "deserving" needed to go to church. And last I knew, YOU'RE SOME MEGA FREAKING HYPOCRITE TOO. If you want me to not shout, set an example. If you want me to talk nicely, set an example. If you want me to not use swear words, SET AN EXAMPLE. Don't go all, "GO TO HELL LA DON'T USE SWEAR WORDS OKAY!!!!" How stupid is that, seriously. And she comes hitting me and telling me that she has the right to hit me. Bullshit, nobody has a right to violence, not even if that violence helps to solve a problem, WHICH IT WILL NEVER.

UGH. And for some reason I never feel that God is there. I mean, I KNOW He's there. But I never ever get a reply, never ever see a sign, never ever hear Him talk. And I don't know why I'm so deaf to him. I've been praying and praying to hear Him to find a solution to my problems but it's either I'm deaf or my problems are too small. But I'm DROWNING in them.

My mom keeps on saying that there's no point in me going to church because I'm still so crappy as it is. Please. If I didn't know God, if I didn't have the supporting kind of friends that I found at church, if I was only stuck with you, I'd be so much worse. You should be thanking God that I'm not smoking and drinking and having sex right now. But no you choose to focus on the bad side, of me getting angry easily. Think about it. Do you think forcing me to stay at home against my will would help me keep my cool? You're illogical and you think you're not. Anyone can see you are. And you should ask people who're around me how much I've changed. Just because YOU'RE BLIND doesn't mean OTHER PEOPLE ARE.

And you threatened to go to church and make a scene. Just let me tell you this; anyone who knows me in church will vouch for me. Anyone. Christians are hypocrites because they repeat all their sins? Yes, maybe. But then so is everybody else. At least Christians have the heart to forgive. You said it yourself, your brother-in-law is a pastor. Surely he gets angry with his children. Surely he lies to them sometimes about work, about life. And yet I don't see you calling him a hypocrite? OH WAIT. Because his sins don't affect you. Fool.

And it sucks being confined at home when you don't want to. I don't even mean like some contagious disease because it's a social responsibility to be quarantined. It's like, being kept in a jail. It doesn't even make sense when you keep me at home because you get irritated when you see me and there's this shitlousy atmosphere. Isn't better to reduce the chances of something bad happening?

And first day of leading sg some more. Damn genius la, David. To think it all started off with you just wearing your shoes because you wanted to go to church early. Wow.

Not to mention the movie date with whoever. I can't believe on a day packed with activities my mom has to go and do this. Really. I WANT OUT, FREAK.

I don't know whether this will work and I really doubt it will, but I'm going to pray;

Father, I don't know what to do. You'd think I'd be a bit more experienced seeing the number of times this kind of things has happened. But I don't feel You whenever this kind of thing happens. It's as though You're suddenly missing, even though I know You're watching over me from somewhere. But why does this keep going on and on?

I made a New Year's resolution to be more patient with my parents. I prayed about that too. But I've failed it; once on the New Year itself, and then another time today. That's 2/3. Am I that useless? Am I that hopeless?

I don't want this to keep repeating itself Father. But I need Your guidance. I need it so much. And I just pray that You'll open my eyes to see what You have done; not just the bad things, but the good things. Because it's in times of hopelessness like these that I look to You for hope.

Bless me please, Lord. Bless my family. And show me the path.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

---

Not going to church just doesn't feel the same at all.

And I don't know what to say to Rebecca and Kyle and whoever I talk to. I bet they'll think I'm freaking immature and hopeless and lousy and useless too. Damn it.

I SO WANT TO HIT MY MOM. ARGH.

It's 10.08am now. Service is 20 minutes away from ending and I'm still stuck at home, doing absolutely nothing because of my parents' uselessness at handling situations. You'd expect them to be a bit better at it, being parents and all. But noooooo apparently not.

There's no end to what I can rant. And I just don't see why my mother can't see the faults within herself. It's as though she's perfect and her opinions are all that matters and the world has to bend to her illogical will. You wish, woman. You freaking wish. And she always directs me to my faults as a "hypocrite". Shouting at her when I should be showing her respect. Yes, I know I should be showing you respect. But you could start by setting an example you know. And I never said I wasn't in the wrong, but I'm not left with much choice if I want you to listen to me, am I?

Gosh. I can't believe you call yourself a mother. Really. And I don't know why I feel bad saying this but recently, you've been nothing like it. Okay, maybe providing for my lodging and for my sustenance, but emotionally, you're freaking useless.

):

---

God help me.

You know, when I woke up this morning, I hoped that it would be better. What with the New Year and all. And at first I thought it would be. All my mom asked me was to ask the pastors what I should do if my mom stubbornly doesn't want me to go for Watchnight service for no good reason other than "it's too late".

And for some reason it escalates. Absolutely no obvious reason, and she's suddenly raising her voice and calling me arrogant for the way I talk. There's a difference between arrogant and confident, and I'm pretty sure I know which side I'm on. You on the other hand...

She keeps on calling me a hypocrite, and then immediately she goes on to prove that she herself is one. Alway telling me cannot raise my voice quickly, must try and be patient, and she's doing it for no reason within five minutes of the conversation!

At first she was talking oh so nicely, but then it becomes just plain stupid. And I'm stuck in this dilemma. Because obviously the only way for me to change her is to prove to her that Christ is making me a better person. But currently to her that means me becoming perfect. Because if I repeat a sin last time then I'm a hypocrite and don't deserve to be Christian. Yet if I have to keep quiet and accept her reasoning and say, "Yes, OK you're correct, the church is a devil." Then that would be denying Christ, wouldn't it?

Oh and I should tell you, before she sees me she's talking to my dad and my brother oh so nicely. And the moment I come out she starts having that screwed up black face and it all begins. She keeps on saying she wants to love me, but I DON'T SEE WHY SHE CAN'T. It's in her own mindset. I didn't even do anything to her to deserve all this shit I'm getting back.

My goodness. First day of the new year, down the drain. Screw this. ):

But like Aunty Rozario said, we aren't Christ. I know that. We can only be Christ-like, and that means to be forgiving when others commit wrongs, and to hope for forgiveness if we stumble ourselves. My mom... doesn't know the meaning of both, I fear.

And I really can't do anything because she'll never listen to me. She feels that her own opinions are always the correct ones. That church shouldn't have services so late at night. That only she can be in charge of my safety. That my friends are all screwed up devilish hypocrites. And NOTHING I say, NOTHING I do can convince her of the opposite. Even if I ask her to come and see for herself she's so set in her mindset that she'll just say "No I don't want to go see." And then she continues in her disillusionment and crap-giving. Genius.

Someone tell me what to do.

//EDIT//

See it's so confusing lo. Suddenly she passes me two pants and two shirts that she bought and tells me to try them on nicely -.- So confusing.

//EDIT2//

And then she's nagging about me not being able to find a job (when I actually did find one and am too lazy to work because I think it's too tasking) and how I'm wasting my life by playing soccer and cycling with friends. Come on, I'm still young, give me a break and let me enjoy my last secondary school holiday, would you?!
---

And of course, New Years need new resolutions. To be honest I don't even remember what my resolution for last year was. But well. This year; I want to be more patient with my parents. I want to be able to show them the abundant love God's been showing me.

But that's going to take a hell lot of hard work. And I just hope that I'll be able to do it, because maybe I haven't been doing it that's why the situation seems so un-salvageable right now.

And Pastor Jon's sermon... Goodness I can't remember the verses. 1 John 4:8 I think. But yeah. God is love, and whoever doesn't show love doesn't know God, because He is love.

Maybe that's what my mom thinks. And maybe both of us just don't know how to show love. So if you... expand the resolution a bit. It's to show love luh. Maybe I'm doing it enough for my friends and the people around me. But I personally think I haven't done enough for the people who are supposed to be closest to me and so this is my prayer.

Lord, thank you for everything you've done for me in 2009.
Thank you for the trials and tribulations, the times of smooth living.
Thank you for the friends that I have/made. Thank you for the memories that I hope won't be forgotten easily.
Forgive me for what I have done wrong this past year, and help me set myself right for the year to come.
And as I transit into JC life, as I continue to dwell upon my CCA choice, as I meet new people I just pray that You'll make the transition a smooth one for me. I have no idea what's ahead of me but You do, Father, and I lift my life up to You.
Most importantly, help me know how to show love, not only to my friends, but to my family too. Lord, I know I haven't been doing very well in this aspect, but I just pray that Your guiding hand will be upon me and that You'll show me the way slowly but surely.
And just be with my family, working in their hearts no matter how hard it may be. It seems that their hearts are sealed shut to You, Father, but You are the Almighty and I know that You're greater than them. You will provide!
Bless me as You have done so in 2009 and keep Your watch of wandering love over all of us children.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

And yeah that's it for New Year's resolutions I guess. Maybe I've broken it on the first day... but that doesn't count cause I just made it! Okay then.

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You Are Holy (Prince Of Peace)

You are holy (you are holy)
You are mighty (you are mighty)
You are worthy (you are worthy)
Worthy of praise (worthy of praise)
I will follow (I will follow)
I will listen (I will listen)
I will love you (I will love You)
All of my days (all of my days)

Chorus:
I will sing to
And worship
The King who is worthy
I will love and adore Him
And I will bow down before Him
And I will sing to and worship the King who is worthy
And I will love and adore Him
And I will bow down before Him
You're my prince of peace
And I will live my life for You

You are lord of lords
You are king of kings
You are mighty God
Lord of everything

You are Emmanuel
Lord of great I am
Noble Prince of Peace
Who is the Lamb

You are the saving God
You are my saving grace
You will reign forever
You are ancient and great

You are Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End
You are my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and Friend

You are my prince of peace and I will live my life for you.


Yes Lord, You are the one and only God. And I thank You for everything, no matter how hard it may be for myself. Because I know You have great plans for me. And I'll follow You until the end. And I know all the people You've set around me will continue to encourage and strengthen me. Thank You, Lord. (:

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Chengyi! I love your hair (: