Here's a confession: I've been feeling entirely shitty about myself over the past couple of days.
It's the same, sickening feeling that's been coming and going for the better part of a year now, and I've decided to just sit down and figure out why. Why I feel the way I do, or if that fails, just to garner some closure on all the regrets that have filled my life in recent years.
I don't know where to begin, really. I started off by trying to talk to someone who I know is brutally honest, but all that did was open up an even bigger can of worms.
"I know you are nice sometimes but you screw yourself up by being egoistic, and you are arent exactly very situationally aware."
I guess I'm not surprised by this statement, just more of a... weary resignation. It confounds me how I can come across as egotist if I have next to nothing to be proud of. All my "achievements" have been burned to the ground. But even then, I apparently still do come across as an arrogant little prick.
Situational awareness... Here I was thinking that I'm a super sensitive person. Even sometimes way over-sensitive. I realize that whatever situational unawareness I may encounter is a result of me choosing to be there, even though I know it may not be the right time or place.
"but in short your attitude sucked quite alot, and it gets noticed.
oh and you whine.
when things don't go well
aiya i tell you honestly you just need better attitude"
Is there a difference between whining and complaining? Whining just sounds bad. Why do I even do that? Is it even a bad thing? It is, after all, just an expression of feeling. Maybe it's because it just doesn't sit right with other people.
I... do need better attitude. But I also need a place to start, and I just can't find it. Hopefully doing some major soul-searching/asking people what they think when they look at me will help kickstart something. I'll never know unless I try, won't I?
But at the same time I don't want to come across as an emotional wreck/burden. I'm sure I've been that way too many times. I can only thank God for putting friends in my life that I think I can trust. Only time will tell if that sentiment changes.
A and JM, even though you guys probably have no idea what my blog address is, and hence will never ever see this, I thank you. For putting up with my load of nonsense, for just listening. And even though we probably aren't very close, it really warms me to know that despite that you're willing to hear me out.
It's such a tightrope to walk; I need to tread so very carefully, with the words I speak, with the things I do. I don't want to come across as some hopeless case; I want to become better. God willing, it'll happen sooner than later. But the words I choose need to be real. They can't be minced, or else people won't get my true meaning. And they can't be too harsh, or people will just be chased away. I wish I had that ability.
And I wish I didn't have to second guess myself so much.
This eternal paranoia is seriously killing me; I never know what's going to hit. More often than not it's just a bunch of shadows, but the darkness in my heart keeps magnifying them, giving them substance until after a certain point, I break down and give in to my fears. Most evidently, in my conversations with people. When people don't reply, I start thinking "what did I say wrong?" or "this person can't stand me". Why is that the first thing to come to my head? Why can't it be "oh, he's just busy" or "ahh she forgot to reply, give it awhile". Since when did I become so needy; since when did I put so little trust in my friends?
I tell myself friends are one of the most important things in this world to me. Maybe it's this importance that causes me to become so sensitive. I can't bear the thought of not having friends, and hence I pull even harder. Paradoxically, that's when they start pulling away. And it just evolves into a vicious cycle, until everything has been torn apart and I'm left on my knees, ruing the ashes and rubble left behind. If they are so important to me, I really need to start giving them some trust, some berth.
Life is such a tug-of-war. But the difference is that it's not a test of brute strength anymore. It's a test of character, of goodwill, of altruism, of trust. I keep forgetting that. I think it's easier to just barge my way into anything. Maybe it is, but it surely isn't effective. So help me God; help me find my true self. I thought I found myself once, but now I'm back in the recesses of my despair and I need all the help I can get to get out.
I need faith, not fear. I need to trust, not to suspect. I need to find happiness. But to do so, I need to set aside the "I", and forget about my needs. Then happiness will arise on it's own. There's no way I can acquire this elusive sprite through sheer force alone. That will merely result in a fleeting sensation that'll leave me even further in the pit when it passes. The only way is faith, hope and love; and of these three things love is the greatest of them all.
God be with me, please.
