If love is an ocean wide

We'll swim in the tears we cry

They'll see us through to the other side

We're gonna make it

When love is a raging sea

You can hold on to me

We'll find a way tonight

Love is an ocean wide

I do love that song so very very much. It just reminds me of how awesome true love is. But I still find myself asking where on earth I can find that, because right now it seems so hard and elusive.

But I guess it'll come sooner or later (:

Sorry I've been so MIA and not posting, I haven't really had the time/have been quite lazy recently. But ironically right, recently I also haven't been up to much, really just going through the motions of J2 life and going to school and coming back home tired and doing church stuff like I've always been doing.

I think my life is in need of a bit of direction right now, other than like the obvious studying for A levels. So yeah my prayer request this week is that I'll have direction in my life! (:

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I saw this quote on Twitter recently -- two reasons why people change: either they have learned a lot, or they've been hurt too much. I think recently it's been much more of the latter for me. And I'm not sure if people realize but I think I've changed a lot recently. Becoming more introverted, definitely. Having a somewhat bleaker outlook on life? Stuff like that.

I hope, I wish, I pray that I can go back to how I was before because I liked where I was (in the good sense). I don't want to become this dour, stoic person who detaches himself from life because of whatever reason...

But at the same time I realize trying to be positive and thinking everything will work out all the time just doesn't cut it. It wears away your willpower layer by layer until you feel so worn and tired and you just want to give up. It's a horrible feeling, that every time you throw up this facade hoping to impact others and in the end it just gets discarded because nobody cares, nobody cares at all.

Sigh I really hope I can revert.

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On a more studious note, I really should start studying properly now! It's only just over a month before my CT2s arrive and I don't want to do badly for them. I shall post all my June holiday commitments here and that shall be it. (:

27 - 29 May - Farmstay retreat

I'm really looking forward to this! And I said as much during today's prayer meeting but I don't know why everyone was so cynical about it... )': I'm really hoping to be refreshed during this time so yeah fingers crossed that it will be up to my expectations I guess! Looking forward to a time of relaxing and fellowship with my fellow leaders!

31 May - PW group BBQ

Just a shoutout to my PW groupmates -- I REALLY MISS YOU GUYS. I think like even though I'm not as close to all of you as maybe Leeni for example, the PW process really helped us grow as friends and I can count on you guys being there for me when I need you guys. I am so psyched LEGGO.

1 - 3 June - RMUN

Another awesome edition of RMUN coming up! I've seen the delegates in my council at the 2nd briefing and they do indeed look really really promising so here's to an awesome debate throughout the three days! Oh and, look forward to working with my juniors in my council too!

11 June - GDOP ushering

Never done ushering before so this'll be a completely new experience but I'm ready for it! (:

14 - 16 June - Track chalet

I HOPE MY MOM LETS ME GO FOR THIS ): It'll be the last proper thing we do as a track J2 team! <3 you guyssssss.

14 - 19 June - Malaysia visit

And yes finally trip back to Malaysia to visit relatives/celebrate my grandmother's birthday! (:

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Alright, that's it from me today. This post is really quite long :O

Peace out (:

Sometimes I wish someone would say this to me;

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred... such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You' are perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that... ?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby... !

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're are perfect to me...

Yup, why don't I have anyone who will tell me that?

I am so freaking tired of this shit.

Tell me, who out there really cares? Every single one of my "friends" has faded away. I've never felt more lonely in my life, seriously.

I'm not exaggerating when I say every single one of them. One by one they've just moved on. Like, now I have nobody to hang out with, nobody to talk to without having to look behind my back for back-stabbers. They're all gone.

And the best part is I don't even know why I feel this way! It's just... unnatural. I'm someone who's thrived on friendships all my life. Now they're all ripped away from me, some in the most painful ways possible.

I've never felt more lonely in my life.

There's got to be somebody for me out there, right? I can't be like this all my life. But I don't know where to look, where to begin. Maybe I have to look within myself first? It feels like I've been doing that all the time but maybe I've gone wrong somewhere.

Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. The places where people will care for their own skin more than for their friends'. The places where cliques are so strong I can't break in.

I hate the word 'cliques'. I absolutely detest it. It's a disgusting concept, it really is. It just basically means, "we don't want you here, go away." What the hell, you know?

I think I'll go out there and make a point. I'm not going to eat with anybody for the next few weeks. Let's see who cares and who doesn't. Let's see who bothers. Because if nobody does, then I'd know, wouldn't I?

I really am worthless.

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God, please help me? I'm at a loss for what to do. I really am. I want to give up but I know I can't. I don't know what I should do. I don't even know what I can do. Help me please. It's all I'm asking for.

I'm sorry for all the shit I've been giving you. I know I'm not the best guy around. And I know sometimes I block you off completely. But Father just reach back to me, please. Because I'm reaching to You now.

I know I sound really hypocritical. I know I'm completely undeserving. I know this sounds damn superficial. But Lord just read my heart and see what's in there. See what's torturing it so, please.

I love you, Dad. It feels good telling You all this. Read my blog post too, would You?

My Father in heaven, holy is Your name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give me this day my daily bread, and forgive my trespasses, as I forgive those who trespass against me. And lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.

Thank you, God. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, best friend.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

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You know;

I really do miss you, more than words could ever say.

I wish things were back to how they were. But can things ever go back to how they were?

I don't know. And it's killing me.

I am so bloody ticked off right now. Seriously. Why the hell does my brother have such a big mouth? Yesterday go blab that we're buying something for my mother.

So all I do is ask him "Why did you go and tell mummy? Didn't I tell you specifically not to tell you?" And he suddenly has this wretched expression on his face, throws his hands up into the air and cries, "Okay la now my fault again la!"

Then my mother asks him what's wrong and cause it's supposed to be a secret he says nothing. But my mother being the stubborn FOOLISH woman she is just keeps on pressing and pressing and when he says don't want to tell her, she says "okay if you don't tell me then you can't go cycle". Which IS FREAKING STUPID because he starts crying even worse. So when I go out and try to console him and tell him to stop crying, my mom asks me. And she won't give up so I have to tell her in the end.

So, all in all, a f**ked up surprise and a screwed up Mother's Day in general. FML la. What the hell is wrong with me such that I keep screwing up everything I try to plan. THIS FREAKING SUCKS. I'm DAMN PISSED OFF.

Oh and my mom found the cakes in the fridge too. Sigh. Mood all gone already. Seriously. Screw. This. Shit.

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Okay Terraqua. Damn fun, damn tiring. Not much else to say other than Miscellaneous nearly won, lost by only one point. I tsk at Amanda Teo and Shakila Feroz Khan. Yes.

So yes anyway after nearly a full day of games and sand and sea went over to Eddie's house to pick up stuff then cabbed home.

Looking forward to the next edition next year!

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And we fast forward, fast forward till today.

Sigh I don't know why I feel so snappy today. It's like I have no friends. Damn irritating. The people I try to love don't appreciate it. And you know the old adage, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone"? I don't think they'll be affected by it. You know, I question myself this all the time. Who will remember me when I'm gone? I don't think anybody will.

Even though I keep trying, over and over, to just make a difference in my friends' lives. But no, they've got cooler friends, so I'm left behind, face down in the dust.

Screw this la I'm close to giving up anyway.

Goodbye.

Hi, I'm officially 18 now. I feel surprisingly underwhelmed!

Maybe it's cause all the celebration happened on Sunday. Had a BLAST. Thank you everyone for coming and making my first real birthday celebration such an awesome time!

After church reached the chalet at about 5? To setup everything and make sure people didn't get lost. By the way since pictures speak a thousand words, this'll be a photo post mainly (:

Early birds! (Pun on Bertrand's shirt not intended at all haha) Thank you Eddie and Bert for coming early to help!

Then slowly people started trickling in until it got pretty crowded so dinner! Food was awesome, I heard, although I hardly ate anything for myself ): But it's alright at least everyone else had some! Thank you Sheldon for saying grace.

Then yeah just basically walking around entertaining people making sure they were well fed and all. Thank God for the great weather and the great food and the great fellowship! Couldn't have done anything without Him.

We went to the beach for awhile! And my friends being my friends decided to bury me in sand so there I am with everyone around me looking pretty happy that I was down there. It was comfortable though! Hahaha. Oh and yes AT THE BEACH I LANDED A FRONT FLIP :O I was so proud of myself! Yay me. ^^

Yes by then it was pretty late so... headed back to the chalet and cleaned off all the stupid sand covering us! I think Karyl had a crap load of fun then spraying us with water HAHA. Unglam alert!

Then (albeit pretty late) came the awesome cake! Shoutout to my bro Kang Wei all the way in Australia: THANKS DUDE. It really was damn awesome omg (: So yes, Awfully Chocolate!

That basically rounded everything up! So now, pictures ^^

Hello all you dancers! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME K thanks for coming for my birthday celebration! Looking forward to Youth Sunday right! I know I am (: <3 y'all!

ElGeeeeee! Love you guys too you're like my extended family in church man. Stay really really retarded but really really fun kay! <3

Hi Nick Chevy and Zven! Thanks for coming down too I hope you guys had fun! Nuer ah nuer choose the guys you date carefully alright (:

Hello Lighthouse! You guys are awesome haha even though I don't know all of you that well I'm thankful that you guys came down! Hope you guys had a blast even though I didn't know where you guys were half the time =\ Make sure my brother doesn't bully you guys kay!

Awww won't you look at that sweet couple. I'm sorry for being so lamppost! (:

Hello Tamtams! You guys must be one of the most bonded/bimbo LGs I've ever seen. Keep the craziness going yeah! Thanks for coming (: And thanks for the awesome present too!

Aye you Sec 4s! Thanks for coming even though most of you guys had exams the coming day or choir practice. All the best for your O levels kay (except for that girl on the left who doesn't have O levels lucky you (: )! <3 you guys!

And of course, the voters! You guys excited about this coming Saturday? Thank you all for coming too (:

Agh I didn't get a photo with Kelyn I only just realised! :O Oh well that'll do. The Phua sisters! Thanks for coming hahah even though you guys were suuuuper late I hope you guys had fun! (: Stay cool yo. ^^

There seems to be one picture missing, hmm...

Ah right there you are. MY FAMILY IN SCHOOL. THANK YOU FOR COMING DOWN EVEN THOUGH HALF OF YOU WERE LATE. You guys are seriously AWESOMEEEEE STAY THAT WAY KAY! (: <3 YOU GUYSSSSS.

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So ended the awesome birthday celebration of 01-05-2011. People just started trickling away and I took even more photos that are on Facebook so go see if you wanna!

Then after that only 7 of us remained. Karyl, Kelyn, Lydia, Eddie, Zven, Nick and me. And me brother. We spent a shitlot of time walking/skateboarding haha. The original plan was to like, go to skatepark and fool around but when we got there it was super crowded and everyone else was damn pro. :O So we walked all the way past the chalet to Macs to grab a bite. But Kelyn and Lydia were dead on their feet so I walked them all the way back to the chalet! Where they miraculously revived and started playing Raving Rabbids. Ahh the Wii was so underused!

The rest came back awhile later so we just continued talking until 5am+++ before finally crashing. Next day came quick enough and soon I was saying bye to everybody except for Nick Eddie and my bro.

Then comes Terraqua! But that's a story for another day. (: With even more pictures!

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Once again, thank you EVERYBODY who came for my birthday celebration. I shall attempt naming everyone here.

Chevlene Nuer!

Karyl Phua!

Zven Sia-la!

Bertrand Tan!

Loo Cheng Yi!

RachieK!

Rebecca Heng!

Abigail Chia!

Edward Goh!

Amanda Teo!

Loo Liang Jie!

Sng Yong Jie!

Wen Ya!

Lydia Tan!

Kelyn Phua!

Sarah Chang!

Shakila Feroz Khan!

Alicia Lee!

Clarice Tan!

Samantha Wong!

Loo Liang Zhi!

Mabel Ang!

Andrew Goh!

Rachel Lee!

Bryan Chan!

Lester Lim!

Eunice!

Hui Zhen!

Deborah Chew!
Anne Mahendran!

Han Qi!

Enoch Chua!

Jessica Chew!

Jeslyn Shen!

Isaiah!

Carol!

Nicholas Teo!

Graham Andrew Rozario!

Marcus Khoo!

Nick Koh!

Tan Guan Rong!

Nicole Chan!

Lim Shuen!

Keivin Cheng!

Ang Chen Xiang!

Khong Zhi Wei!

Jing Sheng!

Keefe Tan!

Calvin Ethan Khor!

Melvyn Thaddeus Koe!

Ernest Ong!

Vera Yap!

Lam Chi Tun!

Tan Hao!

Clement Chua!

Yes I think that's it (: Woo that's a long list of people :O Thank you everyone once again!

And thank you everybody for your amazing presents!

Karyl Kelyn Lydia for the T-shirt.

Chen Xiang and Zhi Wei for the other T-shirt!

Bryan Mabel Rachel Lee Andrew Eddie for the Adidas stuff (bottle, deo, shower gel!)

Liang Zhi and Cheng Yi for the awesome bag!

Rebecca for the sweets <3 they're awesome!

Amanda Sarah Liang Jie Yong Jie Kyle Alicia for the as yet unfinished trio of presents!

Isaiah and Carol for the gift vouchers!

Trackers for the ANGRY BIRD OMG (:

Guan Rong for the band!

Chi Tun for the banana HAHA.

Jeslyn Bert for the cold hard cash!

I seriously loved all of them haha.

But thanks also goes out to my family because they're so awesome they spend a crapload of money on this chalet for me. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD (: LOVE YOU GUYS.

And I love you, my extended family from church/track. We're just too good already ^^

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Bye bye blog I shall go and sleep, see you tomorrow!

Yesterday really does seem like such a blur OMG I never wanted that weekend to end I had so much fun! (: Yayyyyyy all of us.

I'm happy.

Hello everybody! Today was fun (:

Really short day of school -- supposed to end at 11.30 save for extra lessons. But it was fun nonetheless. Played soccer for afternoon PE, I haven't really lost my touch! :D Scored two goals too whee. Bio extra lesson was really fun too we got crammed into a class with only space for 18 tables but it was really cozy and nice. Although sometimes I do get a tad bit disturbed by the 3 gays always sitting next to me (I'M KIDDING KAY GUYS DON'T KILL ME (: )

Supposed to have track team debrief but they scheduled it at 5 omg so freaking late so I gave it a miss. Went home to shower then went out again to study in church.

Church was awesome la! I thought I'd be the only one there but in the end Lester Han Qi Enoch Jessica and Wen Ya appeared from thin air. So I got some work done (yay me that's an improvement already) and had fun!

I'm going to grow fat omg finished nearly a whole tub of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough on my own urgh.

I shall go running tomorrow! Then worship practice at night. Oh yeah there's math study session with Leonard too. :\ another busy day yay I like busy days. They keep my mind from wandering.

I was thinking of changing the tagline of my blog... but the more I think about it the more apt I think it is. Makes so much sense! So yes I shan't change it.

Twitter has become very weirdly fun nowadays, I'm already nearing T2K haha.

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I CANNOT WAIT FOR SUNDAY HOMG -hyperventilates- Wootwoot!

<3 my family (:

So I haven't posted in quite awhile.

Don't know why I've been so tired like recently but well, it's been screwing around with my brain my goodness. I keep on thinking retarded thoughts about like, how I'm so mediocre and useless and good-for-nothing.

And kept overthinking about how one of the few friends I really trust and treat like a sister doesn't give a shit about me. I was wrong. So I'm out here apologizing for good -- I'm sorry, ________! You know who you are; I never meant to put you through everything and I know you don't deserve it. Forgive me for any dumb stuff I might say; like, whack me on the head if you hear a word from my mouth about anything stupid!! Stay awesome kay, you really are. (:

WARNING: All the Bieber haters go away! I'm now an official Belieber. Watched Never Say Never with three awesome people on Thursday, Chevy Karyl and Eddie. And it totally changed my perception of Justin Bieber.

Because originally I thought he only sang songs like Baby, which I felt were quite... lame, to be honest. But now he has songs like Pray and Born to Be Somebody, plus his voice is pretty great so why not?

Justin Bieber is now cool in my eyes (Y).

I can't wait for tomorrow and Thursday, really. And of course there's TGIGF!! Yay I'm so psyched right now. Tomorrow there's PE when we'll actually be playing games, Thursday is a super short day and there's dance/worship practice (two of the things I just enjoy doing) and then what's there to say for TGIGF! <33333 This week is a win, even though I've had so many shitty emotions.

I shall make it a point to revive my blog right now. I need a history man -- wanna see just how far I've come/will go. Because I was born to be somebody;

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I need someone to help me redesign my blog! It's so boring =\ Any offers? Ahahahaha.