Get up; the fight's not over yet; you're a fighter.

Here's a confession: I've been feeling entirely shitty about myself over the past couple of days.

It's the same, sickening feeling that's been coming and going for the better part of a year now, and I've decided to just sit down and figure out why. Why I feel the way I do, or if that fails, just to garner some closure on all the regrets that have filled my life in recent years.

I don't know where to begin, really. I started off by trying to talk to someone who I know is brutally honest, but all that did was open up an even bigger can of worms.

"I know you are nice sometimes but you screw yourself up by being egoistic, and you are arent exactly very situationally aware."

I guess I'm not surprised by this statement, just more of a... weary resignation. It confounds me how I can come across as egotist if I have next to nothing to be proud of. All my "achievements" have been burned to the ground. But even then, I apparently still do come across as an arrogant little prick.

Situational awareness... Here I was thinking that I'm a super sensitive person. Even sometimes way over-sensitive. I realize that whatever situational unawareness I may encounter is a result of me choosing to be there, even though I know it may not be the right time or place.

"but in short your attitude sucked quite alot, and it gets noticed. oh and you whine. when things don't go well aiya i tell you honestly you just need better attitude"

Is there a difference between whining and complaining? Whining just sounds bad. Why do I even do that? Is it even a bad thing? It is, after all, just an expression of feeling. Maybe it's because it just doesn't sit right with other people. I... do need better attitude. But I also need a place to start, and I just can't find it. Hopefully doing some major soul-searching/asking people what they think when they look at me will help kickstart something. I'll never know unless I try, won't I?

But at the same time I don't want to come across as an emotional wreck/burden. I'm sure I've been that way too many times. I can only thank God for putting friends in my life that I think I can trust. Only time will tell if that sentiment changes.

A and JM, even though you guys probably have no idea what my blog address is, and hence will never ever see this, I thank you. For putting up with my load of nonsense, for just listening. And even though we probably aren't very close, it really warms me to know that despite that you're willing to hear me out.

It's such a tightrope to walk; I need to tread so very carefully, with the words I speak, with the things I do. I don't want to come across as some hopeless case; I want to become better. God willing, it'll happen sooner than later. But the words I choose need to be real. They can't be minced, or else people won't get my true meaning. And they can't be too harsh, or people will just be chased away. I wish I had that ability. And I wish I didn't have to second guess myself so much.

This eternal paranoia is seriously killing me; I never know what's going to hit. More often than not it's just a bunch of shadows, but the darkness in my heart keeps magnifying them, giving them substance until after a certain point, I break down and give in to my fears. Most evidently, in my conversations with people. When people don't reply, I start thinking "what did I say wrong?" or "this person can't stand me". Why is that the first thing to come to my head? Why can't it be "oh, he's just busy" or "ahh she forgot to reply, give it awhile". Since when did I become so needy; since when did I put so little trust in my friends?

I tell myself friends are one of the most important things in this world to me. Maybe it's this importance that causes me to become so sensitive. I can't bear the thought of not having friends, and hence I pull even harder. Paradoxically, that's when they start pulling away. And it just evolves into a vicious cycle, until everything has been torn apart and I'm left on my knees, ruing the ashes and rubble left behind. If they are so important to me, I really need to start giving them some trust, some berth.

Life is such a tug-of-war. But the difference is that it's not a test of brute strength anymore. It's a test of character, of goodwill, of altruism, of trust. I keep forgetting that. I think it's easier to just barge my way into anything. Maybe it is, but it surely isn't effective. So help me God; help me find my true self. I thought I found myself once, but now I'm back in the recesses of my despair and I need all the help I can get to get out.

I need faith, not fear. I need to trust, not to suspect. I need to find happiness. But to do so, I need to set aside the "I", and forget about my needs. Then happiness will arise on it's own. There's no way I can acquire this elusive sprite through sheer force alone. That will merely result in a fleeting sensation that'll leave me even further in the pit when it passes. The only way is faith, hope and love; and of these three things love is the greatest of them all.

God be with me, please.

STUPID FREAKING JAILBREAK.

I just upgraded to iOS 5 today. And it was going all hunky-dory so I decided to try and jailbreak my phone with Redsn0w. But thank you, you stupid, dumb jailbreak app. You made my phone crash.

And now I have to resync all THREE HUNDRED applications. Not to mention my THOUSAND FIVE SONGS as well. Which I can't do, because I don't have my hard disk. What the hell.

Stupid Apple.

12 days since my last post, nothing much new.

It's less than a week to the start of my prelims, and I'm not doing much studying. It's pretty irritating but I guess I'll have to buck up soon. Starting with after lunch.

Singing backup vocals without playing piano for the first time, I think it's gonna be pretty fun hahaha hope my voice doesn't die on me!

Okay time to get whatever random stuff I want done on the computer quickly before lunch because after lunch it's lockdown time.

Argentine Tango on Sunday was really really fun, even though it was pretty darn awkward dancing with a roomful of girls and changing partner every few minutes. But haha after getting the steps I realize it wasn't that weird after all! Really really can't wait for lyrical jazz on Saturday night.

Dinner after that at the Bedok interchange coffeeshop, had the usual mutton soup, sugar cane juice, tang yuan combo haha then off to Udders with Fel/Roo/Mabel/Bryan/Victor! Their Baileys and Bourbon ice cream is really very very good (:

Home at like 11 plus, kind of late but completely worth it.

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The horrible feeling's coming back. I'm starting to look behind my back at every turn, worried that somebody else is going to freak out and die off in my life once again. Thanks for reassuring me that just because someone doesn't reply my messages means they're irritated with me, Rebecca. I needed someone to tell me that. :\

And to be honest the worst part about this is that I don't know what I can do about it, because I fear that whatever I do it'll just come across the wrong way to whoever the other party is.

I get so tired and sick of this sometimes I just want to cast off all control and shout a big fat vulgarity at the world, but I don't know why I keep trying. The result, a splitting headache. Sigh how is this worth it?

God, I need You. But at the same time, Lord, would You please send some kind soul to just walk my walk with me? I need to know that somebody will be there no matter what I do to just tell me when I've done wrong and help me along. Won't You please send somebody?

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Everything's swirling around in my head I don't know where it started and where it will end. And it's definitely affecting my studies, I can tell. Best. If it weren't A level year I really wouldn't be so worried. Sadly enough, it is.

And today I only completed one Economics essay. ): My life sucks. I can't study at home for nuts and nobody wants to go study with me outside. Seriously.

I just have to keep my hopes up that my planned study partner for Friday is free. She's so busy now with preparations for prelims and whatnot, I can't blame her at all. Oh well.

Resign~

Just got home from badminton! Today was such a weird day. I can't think of a better word, to be honest.

So I met Leroy at Pasir Ris library and we walked over to the badminton hall together. Turns out at first we were the only two youths there O_O Thank God Mabel, Bryan and jie turned up later on so it wasn't that boring. I think I played pretty well today (: Although I play quite little.

Slacking at Macs after was fun too. Mabel Ang is so funny when she plays bridge. Like she doesn't have a clue what's going on but somehow she always manages to win. Innate abilities eh?

School's resuming tomorrow after such a long break; I realize I haven't done much this 5 days and to be honest I'm quite worried. But that worry isn't translating into action.

I promised God I'll talk to Him later, and I will. I wanna try and be serious with this relationship~

Goodnight, blogosphere. It was nice talking to you again (: Here's a video to keep you company.



I'll sing to glorify Your holy name;

Nah I was wrong I'm still an insecure retard.

But I'll be working towards it.

CROSSTraining was today, wasn't too bad sitting around at the viewing gallery not doing anything but reading chemistry. But I realize that I'm a LOT more suited to throwing it down than sitting around watching people get thrown down. Looks like a life of camp group leading for me instead of camp committee~

I wish people cared. But everything they do seems to point in the opposite direction.

Gotta go for dinner now, I know it's a bit late! I shall work on this post later tonight. Goodbye!

Festival of Praise was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

I felt myself go through a complete overhaul those two days. From an insecure awkward guy to a person empowered through the grace of God.

The worship was just amazing, thank God for His blessing upon bands like New Life Worship. Really brought the roof down in praising Him.

And John Bevere -- what a talented speaker! It's hard to imagine that he was this lousy-with-English-and-couldn't-write-to-save-his-life kid when he was younger. I really drew a lot of lessons from his sermon, the most important one being that grace is the empowerment of God, not just His salvation. And we can draw on this grace only by having faith.

It's really cool how he can think of so many ways to package just one message. And I'm so glad I took notes because there is no way I could've remembered by just listening~ (:

I make a covenant with Him today -- I will not go back to my old ways.

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Leading worship was a pretty darn cool experience. I mean it was weird at the same time because I didn't expect to get thrust into all 4 songs directly but Isaac had a bad throat so just tank la! God was with me anyway (:

I think I started off okay but as my voice got tired/throat became dry everything became a little pitchy cause I couldn't really hit the high notes anymore, but oh well.

I didn't feel that awkward with a piano in front of my at all! I mean, my attention was split like, four-way between the scores, the keys, the congregation and God, but I think I managed to pull through? I always thought I couldn't play and sing at the same time. I revise that statement to I can't play complicated melodies and sing at the same time (:

But thank you EVERYBODY for the encouragement! Audrey, Rachel, Isaac, Ken, Graham, Sheldon (lol decent), Sam, Becky, Jeslyn, Kyle, Liang Jie, Enoch and Jessica. Made my day, it did (:

Sigh that familiar, yet contemptible feeling is back. That feeling of paranoia, of fear, of anxiety, that everybody around me sees me for the piece of crap I really am. I absolutely loathe this feeling.

I look around me, and all I see are judging stares. Not the approval of friends, not the caring eyes of loved ones. Just judgement, dislike and disappointment.

I so badly want this feeling to disappear. But no matter how hard I pray, how much I try to think about other things, these doubts always come back to haunt me. The failures of my past, the relationships that have fallen by the wayside, broken and hurting. And they're a part of who I am, I can't just take them by the collar and throw them out. I wish I could, but I can't.

It seems like I have a really bad habit of destroying friendships just when they're about to mature. It's somewhat a recurring theme in this tragedy that's my life. Every time something seems to be going well, I just have to get that sense of paranoia and become all clingy and shit. But idk how to change it's happened so many times I'm sick and tired of it but I'M TRAPPED and I don't know what to do! I need somebody's help...

I know God's able to help me with everything, but I can't seem to hear Him, even though I know He hears me.

My love languages are quality time, and encouragement. I hardly ever get any of those... All the lonely meals I've had, all the times spent on my own, they strangle me.

I really want to try the invisibility test one day. Just disappear from the face of the earth for a couple of days and see who notices. I have a bad feeling nobody will. And that just makes me so f@#$ing sad.

Really, who cares, in this world?

---

Jie, if you're reading this, chances are it's cause I told you to. I hope it kind of explains how I'm feeling, and I really hope you'll talk to me after this. I know it was dumb and insane of me to suddenly get angry with you the other night but I'm in a shitload of trouble and all the emo messages the other day was merely the tip of the iceberg.

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http://youtu.be/pImjE6bpFsI

Is anybody listening,
Can you hear me when I call,
I'm shooting signals in the air,
cause I need somebody's help.
I can't make it on my own,
so I'm giving up myself;
Is anybody listening, listening...

Okay something highly irritating happened in school, ergo I am posting this emergency blogpost.

So I went to chemistry class today having done my Group II tutorial and then I realize that I'm supposed to do the chemistry practical. So when the teacher asks why I didn't do my tutorial I raised my hand. Naturally he asked me why I didn't do it so I said that I didn't know. He asks me what I planned to do seeing as I didn't do my homework and I said 'if you send me out then I'll miss the whole class which defeats the whole purpose' and he just becomes a major doucherated bag and says that's just a convenient excuse. -.- then he storms out of class leaving the whole thing uncompleted.

Sigh it was so freaking irritating I tore up my planning tutorial zzz.

Okay that's it I'm done.

I came across one of the saddest sights in my life today. It really made my heart just plummet.

So I was walking home after dinner with Mabel, Dinah, LZ and Hayden, going across the overhead bridge that connects Tampines to Pasir Ris. I was walking up the slope when I walked past this elderly man limping slowly.

At first I didn't have that much of a thought for him, but for some reason I stopped walking and turned around. And that's like the moment when you're torn in between wanting to help someone and holding back for fear of insulting that person's capabilities.

In the end, asking WWJD really helped, so I went back down the slope and asked him if he was okay. He said he was fine, just a bit short of breath, which was normal. So I wished him well and walked away. But that unsettled feeling still lingered, and I continued to watch him amble slowly. When he got to the overhead bridge he stopped again to catch his breath. And I realized that I should get down there and see if I could do anything.

But when I got there he said he was alright. Looked a bit shocked to see me again, but told me that his breathlessness was a very normal condition and he was just on his way home. Then he thanked me.

So, that was all I could do I guess? Just continued to watch him walk up the overheard bridge's ramp and praying that he'd be alright.

That short happening made me realize some stuff -- I will never ever leave my parents to fend for themselves. Seriously, at 11pm, there's this one elderly guy walking home, limping home, with a walking stick in his hand, and not a single relative in sight? For shame, indeed.

I felt so sorry for him, and I just told myself, I won't let my parents suffer the same fate.

Keep that guy in your prayers guys. Pray for the elderly, for those who've sacrificed so much to teach us their ways, only for our ways to cloud our memories of them and cast them onto the wayside.

And today was the day of reckoning.

I feel really lousy and crappy now cause of what I've done. And every part of me just wants to go back and erase myself. I mean, I knew that there was always the chance I would get found out but sigh, I didn't expect to feel so bad about it.

I guess it's a good thing? Shows that there's still some human in me even though there's so much sin and devilish crap. Or maybe humanity is the sin and devilish crap and that conscience and bad feeling is God speaking through the fog. I don't know, but I sure hope it is.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm being self-centered and only focusing on myself. I really hope nothing bad comes out of this. Sigh God forgive my folly and give me the strength to face the consequences. I don't wanna fall down and stay down, so help me up please.

Update soon bye.

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I have no friends. All the ones I thought were friends were paper dolls blown away by the wind, dissolved by the rain, burnt by all the fire in my life.

Yay first time blogging off my iPhone!

Nothing happening for Civics class so we're basically just slacking, sigh. Oh well makes for a good time to blog haha. There's Silat stiff going on later in the afternoon and I forgot to bring my PE sigh. And since buying a whole new set is quite a waste of money I guess I'll take the long ride home to get them haha.

Four more tutorials all in a row after this! Yet I'm already so tired and it's not even 9 haha what to do.

G'day folks (:

Gonna get owned for CTs yay.

Okay I guess it's time I posted after being MIA for so long. I'll start with replying my wonderful tagboard posters. Yes, that was sarcastic.

Lololol: dude you seriously ****ing suck, no friends and now even people flicking water at you. Haha. You are a penis 8=D

You're a jackass you know? Who the shit are you to say that I have no friends? I bet you're some sad no-lifer asshole who thinks he's cool just cause he hangs out with people who think they are cool. What a wannabe, idiot.

I don't need the approval of others for them to be my friends. If I need to lower myself to being a jackass in order to gain "friends", which I'm sure you have done, then I don't need those "friends". And I know for a fact that I have real friends. Friends who actually care what's going to happen to me, instead of friends that will disappear the moment you get into deep shit.

Good luck to you, you sound like you really need to find real friends.

kyle: man you just suck. get a hold of urself! stop emoing and wallowing in self pity. if ur sorry abt being hypocritical then STOP! and quit calling ppl weird bots they're just trying to be nice! no wonder ppl dun like u...

You sure as hell aren't Kyle. If you want to impersonate somebody at least do it on somebody that I might be fooled by? Otherwise you're just being plain stupid omg -.- I don't wallow in self-pity, fool. Not anymore. If you didn't realize, cause of that Neanderthal brain of yours, that was a prayer. So get lost from my conversation with God, alright?

Who the hell are you to judge me? I call people weird because they are weird, and they sure as hell aren't trying to be nice. I really wonder who's the hypocrite here, you know?

Get lost, the two of you. Complete utter rubbish -.-

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Hello everybody okay no mood for blogging already only have flamers on my tagboard. Screw this shit la.

At least I'm going to Malaysia for like a week to visit relatives it's going to be quite fun (sans the hardcore mugging, haha).

Sigh I'm going to fail CT2s I have barely started and it's already week 3 D: -Dies-

Hi God.

I really need your help right now. I really can't do this on my own. I keep telling myself it'll be alright, it'll be okay, but no it never is. So God, I know I'm being extremely hypocritical and insincere but I need your help.

So please, God?

Thanks (:

Sigh today was damn irritating. Okay la, only one part. When I was minding my own business in the toilet cubicle some retards went and flicked water over the door. So irritating la! Not like I did anything to them -.- best part is that they knew me, I think. Idiots. Ugh.

Oh well post later bye!

Should I bother maintaining my tagboard? It's like rife with random spammers and weird bots. Ah well I'll get around to doing it #procrastinationking.

Anyway, sigh idk what's up with me nowadays. Everyday seems so aimless, so pointless. I NEED A REFRESHER. So next week, please pass quickly? I would appreciate it very very much (:

Okay going off to church now (although it's still quite early :O) Alright then ciao!

WE WE WE SO EXCITED.

CHACHI GONZALES RETWEETED ME! :D :D :D :D

Hello everybody!

This is my new dance hero/idol. Meet the one, the only... OLIVIA "CHACHI" GONZALES!!

For those of you who aren't too familiar with her, she's a member of i.am.Me crew competing in this season's America's Best Dance Crew! And well, she's only 15 so to be competing at that top level putting awesome performances week in week out is pretty amazing to me. So yes ALL THE BEST I.AM.ME AND CHACHI you completely inspire me! (:

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RJC girls' soccer lost to MJC in the 3rd/4th placing match... ): On penalties some more, it was super heart wrenching la! Final score RJC 0 (1) - (3) 0 MJC. Oh well it was an AWESOME FIGHT RJC GIRLS' SOCCER TEAM GREAT JOB AM PROUD OF YOUUUUU!

Went to support Yu Ying for harmonica concert yesterday it really wasn't too bad!! So yes, congratulations Ng Yu Ying for handling yourself so well in the face of all the pressure and stuff. Another segment of your JC life is over! (And apparently you're happy that it is heh) but anyway now to focus on the final goal left. I'll be right there mugging my ass off with you and so will the whole class so let's do this! Ganbatte!

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Okay customary video dedication... wonder what I should put.

I guess oldies are the best; I really love this song!

I'm glad we're on this one way street, just you and I.

I'm never gonna say goodbye,

Cause i never wanna see you cry

I swore to you my love would remain,

and i'll swear it all over again;

I'm never gonna treat you bad

cause I never wanna see you sad

I swore to share your joy and your pain,

and I'll swear it all over again;

Bye everybody! <3

If love is an ocean wide

We'll swim in the tears we cry

They'll see us through to the other side

We're gonna make it

When love is a raging sea

You can hold on to me

We'll find a way tonight

Love is an ocean wide

I do love that song so very very much. It just reminds me of how awesome true love is. But I still find myself asking where on earth I can find that, because right now it seems so hard and elusive.

But I guess it'll come sooner or later (:

Sorry I've been so MIA and not posting, I haven't really had the time/have been quite lazy recently. But ironically right, recently I also haven't been up to much, really just going through the motions of J2 life and going to school and coming back home tired and doing church stuff like I've always been doing.

I think my life is in need of a bit of direction right now, other than like the obvious studying for A levels. So yeah my prayer request this week is that I'll have direction in my life! (:

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I saw this quote on Twitter recently -- two reasons why people change: either they have learned a lot, or they've been hurt too much. I think recently it's been much more of the latter for me. And I'm not sure if people realize but I think I've changed a lot recently. Becoming more introverted, definitely. Having a somewhat bleaker outlook on life? Stuff like that.

I hope, I wish, I pray that I can go back to how I was before because I liked where I was (in the good sense). I don't want to become this dour, stoic person who detaches himself from life because of whatever reason...

But at the same time I realize trying to be positive and thinking everything will work out all the time just doesn't cut it. It wears away your willpower layer by layer until you feel so worn and tired and you just want to give up. It's a horrible feeling, that every time you throw up this facade hoping to impact others and in the end it just gets discarded because nobody cares, nobody cares at all.

Sigh I really hope I can revert.

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On a more studious note, I really should start studying properly now! It's only just over a month before my CT2s arrive and I don't want to do badly for them. I shall post all my June holiday commitments here and that shall be it. (:

27 - 29 May - Farmstay retreat

I'm really looking forward to this! And I said as much during today's prayer meeting but I don't know why everyone was so cynical about it... )': I'm really hoping to be refreshed during this time so yeah fingers crossed that it will be up to my expectations I guess! Looking forward to a time of relaxing and fellowship with my fellow leaders!

31 May - PW group BBQ

Just a shoutout to my PW groupmates -- I REALLY MISS YOU GUYS. I think like even though I'm not as close to all of you as maybe Leeni for example, the PW process really helped us grow as friends and I can count on you guys being there for me when I need you guys. I am so psyched LEGGO.

1 - 3 June - RMUN

Another awesome edition of RMUN coming up! I've seen the delegates in my council at the 2nd briefing and they do indeed look really really promising so here's to an awesome debate throughout the three days! Oh and, look forward to working with my juniors in my council too!

11 June - GDOP ushering

Never done ushering before so this'll be a completely new experience but I'm ready for it! (:

14 - 16 June - Track chalet

I HOPE MY MOM LETS ME GO FOR THIS ): It'll be the last proper thing we do as a track J2 team! <3 you guyssssss.

14 - 19 June - Malaysia visit

And yes finally trip back to Malaysia to visit relatives/celebrate my grandmother's birthday! (:

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Alright, that's it from me today. This post is really quite long :O

Peace out (: