Get up; the fight's not over yet; you're a fighter.

Here's a confession: I've been feeling entirely shitty about myself over the past couple of days.

It's the same, sickening feeling that's been coming and going for the better part of a year now, and I've decided to just sit down and figure out why. Why I feel the way I do, or if that fails, just to garner some closure on all the regrets that have filled my life in recent years.

I don't know where to begin, really. I started off by trying to talk to someone who I know is brutally honest, but all that did was open up an even bigger can of worms.

"I know you are nice sometimes but you screw yourself up by being egoistic, and you are arent exactly very situationally aware."

I guess I'm not surprised by this statement, just more of a... weary resignation. It confounds me how I can come across as egotist if I have next to nothing to be proud of. All my "achievements" have been burned to the ground. But even then, I apparently still do come across as an arrogant little prick.

Situational awareness... Here I was thinking that I'm a super sensitive person. Even sometimes way over-sensitive. I realize that whatever situational unawareness I may encounter is a result of me choosing to be there, even though I know it may not be the right time or place.

"but in short your attitude sucked quite alot, and it gets noticed. oh and you whine. when things don't go well aiya i tell you honestly you just need better attitude"

Is there a difference between whining and complaining? Whining just sounds bad. Why do I even do that? Is it even a bad thing? It is, after all, just an expression of feeling. Maybe it's because it just doesn't sit right with other people. I... do need better attitude. But I also need a place to start, and I just can't find it. Hopefully doing some major soul-searching/asking people what they think when they look at me will help kickstart something. I'll never know unless I try, won't I?

But at the same time I don't want to come across as an emotional wreck/burden. I'm sure I've been that way too many times. I can only thank God for putting friends in my life that I think I can trust. Only time will tell if that sentiment changes.

A and JM, even though you guys probably have no idea what my blog address is, and hence will never ever see this, I thank you. For putting up with my load of nonsense, for just listening. And even though we probably aren't very close, it really warms me to know that despite that you're willing to hear me out.

It's such a tightrope to walk; I need to tread so very carefully, with the words I speak, with the things I do. I don't want to come across as some hopeless case; I want to become better. God willing, it'll happen sooner than later. But the words I choose need to be real. They can't be minced, or else people won't get my true meaning. And they can't be too harsh, or people will just be chased away. I wish I had that ability. And I wish I didn't have to second guess myself so much.

This eternal paranoia is seriously killing me; I never know what's going to hit. More often than not it's just a bunch of shadows, but the darkness in my heart keeps magnifying them, giving them substance until after a certain point, I break down and give in to my fears. Most evidently, in my conversations with people. When people don't reply, I start thinking "what did I say wrong?" or "this person can't stand me". Why is that the first thing to come to my head? Why can't it be "oh, he's just busy" or "ahh she forgot to reply, give it awhile". Since when did I become so needy; since when did I put so little trust in my friends?

I tell myself friends are one of the most important things in this world to me. Maybe it's this importance that causes me to become so sensitive. I can't bear the thought of not having friends, and hence I pull even harder. Paradoxically, that's when they start pulling away. And it just evolves into a vicious cycle, until everything has been torn apart and I'm left on my knees, ruing the ashes and rubble left behind. If they are so important to me, I really need to start giving them some trust, some berth.

Life is such a tug-of-war. But the difference is that it's not a test of brute strength anymore. It's a test of character, of goodwill, of altruism, of trust. I keep forgetting that. I think it's easier to just barge my way into anything. Maybe it is, but it surely isn't effective. So help me God; help me find my true self. I thought I found myself once, but now I'm back in the recesses of my despair and I need all the help I can get to get out.

I need faith, not fear. I need to trust, not to suspect. I need to find happiness. But to do so, I need to set aside the "I", and forget about my needs. Then happiness will arise on it's own. There's no way I can acquire this elusive sprite through sheer force alone. That will merely result in a fleeting sensation that'll leave me even further in the pit when it passes. The only way is faith, hope and love; and of these three things love is the greatest of them all.

God be with me, please.

STUPID FREAKING JAILBREAK.

I just upgraded to iOS 5 today. And it was going all hunky-dory so I decided to try and jailbreak my phone with Redsn0w. But thank you, you stupid, dumb jailbreak app. You made my phone crash.

And now I have to resync all THREE HUNDRED applications. Not to mention my THOUSAND FIVE SONGS as well. Which I can't do, because I don't have my hard disk. What the hell.

Stupid Apple.

12 days since my last post, nothing much new.

It's less than a week to the start of my prelims, and I'm not doing much studying. It's pretty irritating but I guess I'll have to buck up soon. Starting with after lunch.

Singing backup vocals without playing piano for the first time, I think it's gonna be pretty fun hahaha hope my voice doesn't die on me!

Okay time to get whatever random stuff I want done on the computer quickly before lunch because after lunch it's lockdown time.

Argentine Tango on Sunday was really really fun, even though it was pretty darn awkward dancing with a roomful of girls and changing partner every few minutes. But haha after getting the steps I realize it wasn't that weird after all! Really really can't wait for lyrical jazz on Saturday night.

Dinner after that at the Bedok interchange coffeeshop, had the usual mutton soup, sugar cane juice, tang yuan combo haha then off to Udders with Fel/Roo/Mabel/Bryan/Victor! Their Baileys and Bourbon ice cream is really very very good (:

Home at like 11 plus, kind of late but completely worth it.

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The horrible feeling's coming back. I'm starting to look behind my back at every turn, worried that somebody else is going to freak out and die off in my life once again. Thanks for reassuring me that just because someone doesn't reply my messages means they're irritated with me, Rebecca. I needed someone to tell me that. :\

And to be honest the worst part about this is that I don't know what I can do about it, because I fear that whatever I do it'll just come across the wrong way to whoever the other party is.

I get so tired and sick of this sometimes I just want to cast off all control and shout a big fat vulgarity at the world, but I don't know why I keep trying. The result, a splitting headache. Sigh how is this worth it?

God, I need You. But at the same time, Lord, would You please send some kind soul to just walk my walk with me? I need to know that somebody will be there no matter what I do to just tell me when I've done wrong and help me along. Won't You please send somebody?

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Everything's swirling around in my head I don't know where it started and where it will end. And it's definitely affecting my studies, I can tell. Best. If it weren't A level year I really wouldn't be so worried. Sadly enough, it is.

And today I only completed one Economics essay. ): My life sucks. I can't study at home for nuts and nobody wants to go study with me outside. Seriously.

I just have to keep my hopes up that my planned study partner for Friday is free. She's so busy now with preparations for prelims and whatnot, I can't blame her at all. Oh well.

Resign~

Just got home from badminton! Today was such a weird day. I can't think of a better word, to be honest.

So I met Leroy at Pasir Ris library and we walked over to the badminton hall together. Turns out at first we were the only two youths there O_O Thank God Mabel, Bryan and jie turned up later on so it wasn't that boring. I think I played pretty well today (: Although I play quite little.

Slacking at Macs after was fun too. Mabel Ang is so funny when she plays bridge. Like she doesn't have a clue what's going on but somehow she always manages to win. Innate abilities eh?

School's resuming tomorrow after such a long break; I realize I haven't done much this 5 days and to be honest I'm quite worried. But that worry isn't translating into action.

I promised God I'll talk to Him later, and I will. I wanna try and be serious with this relationship~

Goodnight, blogosphere. It was nice talking to you again (: Here's a video to keep you company.



I'll sing to glorify Your holy name;

Nah I was wrong I'm still an insecure retard.

But I'll be working towards it.

CROSSTraining was today, wasn't too bad sitting around at the viewing gallery not doing anything but reading chemistry. But I realize that I'm a LOT more suited to throwing it down than sitting around watching people get thrown down. Looks like a life of camp group leading for me instead of camp committee~

I wish people cared. But everything they do seems to point in the opposite direction.

Gotta go for dinner now, I know it's a bit late! I shall work on this post later tonight. Goodbye!

Festival of Praise was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

I felt myself go through a complete overhaul those two days. From an insecure awkward guy to a person empowered through the grace of God.

The worship was just amazing, thank God for His blessing upon bands like New Life Worship. Really brought the roof down in praising Him.

And John Bevere -- what a talented speaker! It's hard to imagine that he was this lousy-with-English-and-couldn't-write-to-save-his-life kid when he was younger. I really drew a lot of lessons from his sermon, the most important one being that grace is the empowerment of God, not just His salvation. And we can draw on this grace only by having faith.

It's really cool how he can think of so many ways to package just one message. And I'm so glad I took notes because there is no way I could've remembered by just listening~ (:

I make a covenant with Him today -- I will not go back to my old ways.

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Leading worship was a pretty darn cool experience. I mean it was weird at the same time because I didn't expect to get thrust into all 4 songs directly but Isaac had a bad throat so just tank la! God was with me anyway (:

I think I started off okay but as my voice got tired/throat became dry everything became a little pitchy cause I couldn't really hit the high notes anymore, but oh well.

I didn't feel that awkward with a piano in front of my at all! I mean, my attention was split like, four-way between the scores, the keys, the congregation and God, but I think I managed to pull through? I always thought I couldn't play and sing at the same time. I revise that statement to I can't play complicated melodies and sing at the same time (:

But thank you EVERYBODY for the encouragement! Audrey, Rachel, Isaac, Ken, Graham, Sheldon (lol decent), Sam, Becky, Jeslyn, Kyle, Liang Jie, Enoch and Jessica. Made my day, it did (: